The Monster Raving Loony Party (Loony Party) is fielding twenty-four candidates across England in the upcoming election. They provide a genuine choice for the increasing number of voters totally disillusioned with all of the main parties. Those deciding not to vote might well look to the Loonies to lodge a protest vote instead.
There have been a number of reports that indicate the turnout at the election will be very low. This is driven by voters deciding they do not trust any of the politicians and therefore want to protest. In its polling for the Independent back on the 6th of June, Techne found that around 20% of voters did not intend to vote with many not registering. The most common reasons for this were
“Dissatisfaction with current party policies, lack of appealing candidates, and general political apathy”.
Campaigners canvassing voters will have heard this and encountered a deep rooted anger when speaking to voters. Many are not voting as a form of protest.
Loonies to the rescue.
With twenty-four candidates the Loony Party offers a let out for some voters in the UK. Along with spoilt ballot papers, the vote for the Loonies is likely to rise. Also, some of their manicfesto promises are likely to attract support. The manicfesto is short and clear. There is nothing on education but a solution for levelling up is provided as,
“Along with the existing Government policy for levelling up the North with the South, we will provide free Spirit Levels to all”.
This is truly more profound than they intended. The manicfesto is reproduced in full here.
- The Loony Party will build 5 million new homes, fill up 5 million potholes, employ 80,00 teachers, policemen and NHS staff and reduce taxes to 5%……….yeah right…lol
- MP’s will have to sit in stocks during their surgeries, while their constituents throw custard pies at them. This will help them judge their popularity within the community. Companies would also be encouraged to design new versions of stocks to trade at the Stock Exchange.
- Rwanda…We will send all MPs who misbehave to Rwanda.
- V.A.T….We will get rid of VAT as it adds no value.
- Fly Tipping..We will ban all tipping of flys, insects, and zips of any kind..
- Immigration..We will replace employees of the Border Force with GP receptionists. This will dramatically reduce the number of people getting in.
- Cost of Living…To help with the cost of Living and to raise money for the Treasury we will Convert Numbers 10 and 11 Downing Street into a Hair salon, Which we will call ‘Government CutZ’.
- Levelling up….Along with the existing Government policy for levelling up the North with the South, we will provide free Spirit Levels to all.
- M.O.T….The MOT is an annual test to ensure that your car is roadworthy. We will introduce a ROT, an annual test to make sure all roads are car worthy.
- Elections….After the next General Election, we will introduce a ‘cooling-off period’ of about 3 years in case voters wish to change their minds.
- NHS…In an effort to reduce the problems faced by the NHS , it is proposed to reduce pregnancy from nine to seven months.
- NHS…We will reduce hospital waiting lists by using a smaller font.
- Legal System…To make things fairer we will introduce a Court of Human Lefts.
- Foreign Policy…Once in Government, we will replace the Foreign Secretary with a British one!
- Stamp Duty….We will abolish stamp duty. Stamps are expensive enough as it is without having to pay any duty on them!
- Migration of Nets…..We will reduce net migration by making sure that any nets are secured more firmly to the ground.
- NHS…We propose to reduce the alphabet to 23 letters starting with the letters N.H.and S
- Greener Cars……Once in Government we promise to have more green cars on our roads. Politicians will have fluorescent green cars so that everyone can see them coming.
- Self-Serving….. Anyone using a self-service till in a supermarket will be given a 10% discount off their shopping.
- Socially smart….. All Social Media sites will be taken down for one day a week for a “Remember when we used to talk” day.
The author, Mike Larkin, retired from Queen’s University Belfast after 37 years teaching Microbiology, Biochemistry and Genetics.